by Ashton Duncan
Note: Radish content is satirical and not meant to be perceived as factual.
Senator Bill Green was thought to have fallen by the wayside of the 2012 presidential election, a mere blip on the radar of history books, lost somewhere between last January and election day.
Last night, as the last ballot was counted, that mentality changed as Green became the 36th president-elect of the United States in shocking landslide election. Green’s voting total revealed he won by a margin even larger than the number of registered American voters.
Green had been long thought of as the safest candidate, a traditionalist with a strong moral upbringing. He used that strength while running, even though it had not seemed to be enough to win until last night.
In his campaign, Green promised significant economic reform, specifically to the “people” sector.
“I don’t think our problem is with the corporations, but with their employees and regular civilians living lawlessly outside of the system. If we could only downsize that tasteless element of economy national trade would expand and profits would soar,” he said. “Recently those peoples’ culture has debased even the most fundamental of morals. Green isn’t for trees or hippie recycling schemes. Green has been and will always be the color of money.”
Green’s revolutionary philosophy has a large following in the corporate sector, including those who’ve dabbled in politics. Green cohort Governor John Lemming said, “He has things he wants to do with the world and they sound great! Like his idea to- I mean, his direction, where he wants to go with America. It’s just amazing. And we’ll all be following him on that path.”
Election supporter and contributor State Representative Iona Banks was not as shocked as most of the American population at the announcement of Green’s win, saying, “Of course he won. Now we can move on to more important things.”