The radish: So called “car thefts” revealed to be a hoax

The radish: So called

Danial Syed

 

*Disclaimer: All Radish content is satirical and not to be perceived as factual.

Since December began, 4 vehicles owned by West High students have reportedly been stolen.  In other words, after the start of the twelfth month of 2013, cars possessed by West High students are said to have been taken.  West’s administration, as usual, has been quick to tackle the problem–perhaps a little too quick.

 

Like absolutely all issues with local government, this controversy stems from recent political machinations in Washington, D.C.  According to an article published by Fox News on November 18th, Obama’s administration has published a series of graphics regarding healthcare, complete with catchy phrases such as “the best way to spread holiday cheer, is to talk about health care this time of year.”

 

While this event may seem entirely unlinked to car thefts, a recent tweet by Edward Snowden has established a disturbing connection; as it turns out, Obama really wants people to talk about healthcare during the holidays.  He desires this so much, in fact, that he’s secretly amended the No Child Left Behind Act so that all public schools must ban anything holiday-related and put up Obamacare posters instead.

 

Logically, it can be deduced that West High’s administration and faculty arranged the car robberies themselves, as an excuse to install anti-holiday surveillance systems; since their funding is at stake, they can hardly be blamed for taking extreme measures, after all.  In fact, plenty of schools (such as the one in Frisco, Texas that banned the colors red and green at its “Holiday Party”) have done much worse.

 

So, what will West High’s administration do with these surveillance systems? Why, survey West’s students, of course, and behead anyone who dares discuss the holidays.  The only reason they haven’t started chopping necks already, according to another tweet by Snowden, is that Amazon’s shipping drones haven’t delivered the guillotines yet.

 

Worse, it seems that West High’s administration will be getting some extra assistance.  First of all, NASA (the national adolescent surveillance administration), as caught red-handed by a Snapchat by Snowden, will generously be donating special software that allows school officials to observe classrooms through SMARTboards (why else, pray tell, would they have been installed in every classroom?) NASA would have donated a space shuttle, too, but it doesn’t have those anymore.  They’re contributing surveillance Obamacars instead.  The U.S. military will also join Obama’s war on holidays.  Skeptical?  Take a look at the following quote from West High’s website:

 

“As part of a large scale safety and security enhancement, the ICCSD will be implementing an electronic visitor management system.”

 

For this system, the ICCSD will accept 6 different forms of identification, two of which are very suspicious:

 

2) Concealed handgun licenses

6) Some military cards

 

Clearly, the ICCSD is building an elite force of commandos to infiltrate West High, crushing any and all holiday spirit.  But all hope is not yet lost; according to the squirrel who caused a power outage at West last year, “you can get any administration’s goat if you just chew and/or dig deep enough.”

 

Stay rooted for more information.