Capitol computers

March 3, 2021

Maya Chu

Jan. 6, 2021 will go down as an infamous date in history. It’s the day insurrectionists stormed the Capitol and amidst baseless claims of voter fraud, demanded the 2020 election be invalidated. It’s the day the peaceful transfer of power, an age-old tradition, was violated. It’s also the day that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s Minecraft world was mercilessly torn to shreds.

Upon entering the Capitol, most of the domestic terrorists made a beeline for the legislative chambers, but a few went in search of Congressmembers’ personal information. To the surprise of many, Capitol invaders entered the building with ease, gaining access to the private offices of several Democratic politicians. 

“I can’t believe I forgot to lock my office door that morning,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said.

Keeping in theme with the Capitol’s lackluster security, several personal computers had no password protection, and those that did were easily bypassed. 

“First thing that came to my head was ‘bluewave123,’ and it let me right in,” one rioter said.

Insurrectionists could have gotten their hands on sensitive information, but luckily they were too distracted trying to chase down conspiracy theories. 

“I looked everywhere for any evidence that the Democrats are drinking the blood of children in order to fuel their demonic powers,” insurrectionist Auntie Vax said. “Pelosi must have all of that on her personal computer.”

Barnett was so infuriated after his failed data mine that he opened up Pelosi’s Minecraft world, a shared server among many lawmakers, and detonated TNT in their to-scale replica of the Capitol as well as at Pelosi’s modest ranch home and wheat field. He then took a nametag and named a pixelated skeleton “No-Good-Nancy.”

“I worked hard on that world. Romney and I had our beds next to each other,” a devastated Pelosi said. 

Other reported damages include Schumer’s 50-by-50 game of Minesweeper being ruined, Rep. Al Lawson’s New York Times daily crossword being filled in with obscenities, and Sen. Bernie Sanders’ desktop background being changed to a picture of Donald Trump riding a bald eagle into an American flag sunset. 

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