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April 23, 2021

Sachiko Goto

Americans are tired of all things COVID-19. Despite the current vaccine rollout, an end to the pandemic and a complete return to normalcy seem like an intangible ideal. After failing to contact an actual disease expert to answer all of your virus-related questions, “The Radish” turned to the supernatural. In an exclusive interview, Floridian rapper and oracle Chee T. Aiz sees into the future to predict what will become of COVID-19 over the next year.

The transcript of the interview reads as follows: 

Radish: We’ve been in a pandemic for over a year. How do case numbers look in 2021?

Aiz: Way too high, yeah, yeah, huh? Woah, woah, woah, what? Way too high. What? What? What? So high, man, I can’t even feel.

R: What needs to happen before the pandemic can end?

A: When them vamps outside, you better be ready. When them guns outside, you better be ready. When the stars align, you better be ready. 

R: Some are skeptical of the vaccine’s safety. Is the vaccine truly effective against COVID-19?

A: One thing I hate the most is some friendly people don’t talk to me. [They are] not with us … We can find out, we can find out, we can find out … if you feel like dying. 

R: When can we expect COVID-19 precautions, such as mask wearing and social distancing, to end?

A: I just hit a lick with a mask, MF DOOM … Don’t get close, yeah, baby, don’t get too close. What you don’t know, it won’t hurt because you don’t know, what?

R: What do we need to know about COVID-19 right now?

A: Uh, as the king and the queens gather the cheese, no fees, you count the bodies … running the streets. [I told them], “All my life, it’s been troublesome things.”

R: Why should our readers listen to what you have to say about the future of the virus? 

A: Never too much, never too much, yeah, never too much, never too much, yeah. [I’m] rockstar made, rockstar made, rockstar made. What? What?

Note: It wasn’t discovered until much later that all of Aiz’s responses were various lyrics from Playboi Carti’s 2020 album “Whole Lotta Red.” Aiz’s credibility subsequently came into question, but “The Radish” made the executive decision to still print the interview, citing Aiz’s clairvoyance and creative genius as a potential explanation for their often perplexing and convoluted statements.

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