The Radish

The second installment of the WSS satire series. (Yes, this is SATIRE, so please don’t write to the editor).

February 25, 2020

Hugging it out

For the first time in Iowa high school wrestling history, a match ended without a loser.
With the team score tied in a pivotal dual meet against Liberty High School, both wrestlers decided they would rather embrace in a six-minute-long hug in the center of the mat than wrestle each other.
“I really just didn’t want to hurt my opponent’s feelings by making them feel bad about themselves if they lost,” one wrestler said. “It was better this way.”
Throughout the match, the Trojan and Bolt fans were electric as they celebrated the bravery and compassion displayed by two of the city’s finest athletes. Even the toughest of wrestlers could not help but shed a tear at such an emotional and heartwarming moment.
“I’m just so proud of my son for making sure his opponent stayed safe and uninjured,” said the dedicated father of the West High wrestler. “I would make sure he gave out 100 hugs every day growing up, so it’s really rewarding to see that hard work pay off.”

I would make sure he gave out 100 hugs every day growing up, so it’s really rewarding to see that hard work pay off.”

— proud wrestling father

Despite the warm feelings circulating throughout the West High gymnasium, there was one participant who felt particularly disturbed by the event. The match’s official appeared visibly uncomfortable declaring both athletes as the winner and has vowed to never return to officiating again.
“Those kids were weird,” said the referee. “Back in my day, I could have beat them both at the same time. Kids these days just don’t have what it takes to win.”

Working for break

The days after snow days hold some of the best memories for ICCSD Superintendent Stephen Murley’s son, Alec Murley ’20. High fives and fist bumps are not uncommon for Murley after students return from a well-deserved day off.
“After a snow day my freshman year, a bunch of seniors picked me up and paraded me through the halls. Everyone was calling me the man; I had like ten girls ask for my number,” Murley said. “It’s pretty much one of the greatest feelings in the world.”
Being the superintendent’s son is not always glamorous, however. On days when students feel classes should have been canceled or delayed, Murley receives constant harassment throughout the day by students and teachers alike.
“If we have to come to school when the weather’s bad I make sure not to be seen with Alec,” said long-time friend Julian Fender ’20. “Sometimes I join in on the harassment just so people don’t get suspicious of me.”
After a couple of physical altercations with a group of upperclassmen known as ‘The Blizzard Bunch’, Murley knew something had to change. With an improved work ethic and a little bit of persuasion, Murley was able to appease his peers while also keeping himself out of harm’s way.
“I started bargaining with my dad last winter saying that if I took the trash out or actually cleaned my room instead of just shoving everything under the bed, he should have to cancel school,” Murley said. “I’m surprised it actually worked.”
Since last year, Murley has been working feverishly around the house for more delays and cancellations. He even has a major project in the works for the upcoming weeks.
“Last year we got like three days in a row off from school because I cleared out our entire attic,” Murley said. “Now I’m trying to get us an extra week of spring break by remodeling our basement, but we will see how that goes.”

World War III: The draft

Amidst tension between the United States and Iran, the Department of Defense announced its plan to seek out males aged 18-25 who excel in first-person shooting games for the upcoming draft.
“We are looking for experienced gamers who can use the skills they’ve learned while playing games like Call of Duty and Fortnite,” said Secretary of Defense Dr. Mark T. Esper. “We need our most fit-for-duty men on the front lines, and gamers fill that role perfectly.”
Members of the video game community have cited the Department of Defense’s decision as unfair to gamers.

“We don’t want to go to Iran, or any other service for that matter,” said one avid Battlefield player and student. “I like computerized violence, but that doesn’t mean I want to go kill people. Plus, I bet the snack situation isn’t great over there.”
The Department of Defense also caused quite a ruckus by announcing that women will not be required to serve in the upcoming war. In fear of being drafted, women all over the internet and beyond were fully prepared to revert back to a time before the 19th Amendment if it meant they could avoid compulsory military service.
“We’ve made lots of strides for women’s rights in the past 100 years,” said one female student. “I just really don’t want to fight, so I don’t really need to vote.”
Some have even gone as far as to say they would be willing to exclusively take on the responsibilities of the typical 19th century women: cooking, cleaning and caring for children. Women all over the country were fully prepared to give up basic rights if it meant protection from the draft.
“I think women should be treated equally,” said one avid feminist activist. “But maybe not in this one case.”

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