Resolutions Resolving
A recent school-wide poll showed another year of low follow-through rates after teacher announcements. According to the poll, approximately 95% of teachers gave up weekly planned activities due to time constraints. “It’s hard to manage weekly free readings while fitting 23.5 plays in the curriculum,” English teacher Ovah Wooked said. Additionally, more than half of foreign language teachers spoke more English in class than planned at the start of the year. “Yeah, the only thing I remember from last year was gracias, and maybe one of the past tenses,” Bea Hind ’25 said. Likewise, in the math department, most classes are an average of 1.5 chapters behind, and the gap is only expected to grow exponentially. “We are barely learning any calculus in my class,” Worr Reed ’25 said. “I don’t think it’s integral to my success.” From the out-of-class results, the survey revealed that students who planned to study regularly this year continued studying for a shocking average of four days, an all-time high. This may be correlated with students planning to exercise regularly but only stepping into the gym two times on average. Overall, West seems to be headed for another mediocre year, with a small increase in these statistics expected after New Year’s.
Burgeoning Brainrot
As a new generation of freshmen enter high school, a wave of “brainrot” has struck West. Brainrot symptoms include incoherent speech, strange repeating behaviors and a return from the dead. “It’s really concerning, you know? I’ve heard they’ve even started biting other students,” Jess Fine ’28 said. This new trend has also caused problems for teachers. “I just feel like they’re never paying attention in class,” English teacher Ann Oidd said. “All they do is stare at each other and say ‘What the sigma?’” The district released a response meant to support students, including emergency rations and instructions for creating homemade weaponry. Many younger students seem to think these measures are extreme. “What the Ohio fanum tax on our skibidi baby gronkmaxxing,” Toufar Gone ’28 said. Parents concerned with their child’s safety also criticized the district’s response. “I don’t feel good about having my daughter carry a homemade machete,” Con Cerned said. “Last week, a student tried to attack her for her ‘Skibidi rizz,’ and I don’t think this will help.” Despite this pushback, the district has insisted its new apocalypse training program will sufficiently teach staff to defend students during emergencies or sudden brainrot attacks.
Advancing Athletics
West’s most recent news surrounds a move towards being more sports-focused starting next fall. Due to recent underwhelming athletic performances, West has decided to recreate the conditions of their more successful years. “It’s great that we’re returning to our earlier years,” Athletic Director Nostal Jic said. “I’m hoping we can do some remodeling on our building to take down some of the newer classrooms, while we’re at it.” West is also bringing in older athletes to take the place of younger athletes on the team. These so-called “super-duper-seniors” will go undercover as regular high school students. “Personally, I think we should give these older players a shot,” Diss Gized ’93 said. “I think they can really just bring the team together again.” Additionally, West will rebrand its school motto to “Where athlEticS are imporTant,” standing for WEST. However, parents have expressed their dislike for this shift towards athletics. “West used to be about getting perfect grades, now I only hear about pickleball!” Rees O’Nable, a concerned parent, said. Still, the district plans to continue to implement policies that will encourage students’ success. The district recently introduced a new policy requiring students to use hardback textbooks to force them to build more muscle. “Just trust me, this will get us back to state champions. I promise,” Athletic Secretary Dess Perit said.
Polling Problems
West, one of Iowa City’s polling stations, has been preparing for the upcoming election in many ways; however, one thing many students weren’t prepared for was the increased election security for the polls. Students and voters alike will contend with a physical obstacle course, testing voters to ensure they’re “fit” to vote. The new obstacles have created problems for teachers who find students are often distracted by the new rock-climbing wall in the hallway. In addition, the voter influx allowed candidates to put up last-second signage near the school. These signs plan to convince voters with messaging such as, “I’ll fix all the problems fast, trust me bro!” and “Please vote for me. Please, please!” These additions have drawn some criticism from staff. “School isn’t the place for these new distractions,” Kiel Joy said. “They need to set these up somewhere more reasonable, like a hospital.” Teachers are also concerned that the archery section of the obstacles may cause some security concerns in the building. “I don’t know that I feel safe with these new constructions,” Jen Unine said. Despite this, the state has said the new installations will actually make schools safer overall. The added longbows are designed to stop “bad people with crossbows” in addition to testing voters. These changes are expected to continue until election day when West can start working on returning to normal.
