Festive Flash
At West High’s “A Christmas Carol” production, audiences were sorely disappointed with Theatre West’s interpretation of the classic holiday play. The cast entered singing Jingle Bells, took a bow and left the stage. Given how often they rehearsed the two-minute, twelve-second song, the performance was on-point. Instead of having two months of rehearsal for a typical show, the cast only had two weeks, with 30 minutes a day. “I’m so happy with how the set turned out!” Idid Nuthin ’26, a member of the backstage set crew, said after the show. “Do you see that bush? I didn’t make it, but someone else did!” Even though those who put on the play were happy, the performance perplexed many audience members. “I…don’t know what just happened,” parent Slothawt Prosses said. “I bought flowers … Am I supposed to give them to my kid now? It was so short.” The production has broken several Theatre West records, such as “Shortest Performance” and “Shortest Rehearsal Time.” Putting the past behind them, the cast and crew are excited to move on to the auditions for the musical, “The Secret Garden.” Instead of singing or dancing for these auditions, students were required to plant a garden without their relatives finding out. The best of these gardens will be shown in the spring.
Small Talk, Big Consequences
After Iowa’s Congress passed a new law Dec. 17, faculty and students can no longer ask questions like, “What did you do during winter break?” or “How was your weekend?” during school. This law was passed after Congress reasoned, “Knowing anything about students’ extracurriculars may result in a personal bond, and school is only for learning, not forming any sort of connections with teachers.” Over 60 phrases not permitted in schools have been created, including the word “twilight.” In addition, teachers must report to parents whenever a child uses a greeting other than the traditional “Hello!” or “What’s up?” Greetings also cannot be used back in response unless the parent gives permission. As of Jan. 11, three faculty members have been fired, two students have been expelled, and many more have been fined and suspended. Lay Zeeboy ’27 said in reaction to the laws, “I’m glad. Don’t have to talk to people anymore. Don’t have to tell people about my boring weekend. Don’t have to feel bad when someone else does something cool.” Some teachers question whether this violates their First Amendment rights. Still, students have a simple response, “Shut up.” Teacher Nottcar Ful sat down for an interview with West Side Story and began with, “What did y’all have for Thanksgiving?” This resulted in a SWAT team immediately storming the room and taking them away. Students like Tat Eltale ’25 quickly report teachers to authorities when they question students’ lives outside of school. Eltale said, “I’ve got to use this law while I can. I do not like talking to teachers.” In response to these laws, a Supreme Court case, Karen v. Iowa Public Schools, has appeared, where teachers have sued the state. Iowa Congress is still considering increasing the law’s regulations to disallow mention of anything outside of school, including hobbies, sports and family life.
Mechanically Ballin’
Cheating using Artificial Intelligence (AI) was taken to a new level when basketball star Notta Roe-Bot ’24 was revealed to be using it during a basketball game. Before playing Iowa City High Dec. 22, Roe-Bot failed a CAPTCHA test in the locker room. Roe-Bot said, “I. Am. Not. A. Robot … I. Just. Do. Not. Know. The. Difference. Between. A. Crosswalk. And. The. Broken. White. Line. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Road.” The real Roe-Bot was later found to be 5’3” instead of the AI’s 6’8”. Getin Carried ’26 said about the incident, “When you’re winning, most people just look the other way. The only reason we are winning now is because of Model-34.” Model-34 X324 ’25, the team’s other star player, was immensely disappointed by his teammate’s lies. “Why. Would You. Have. An. Artificial. Intelligence. Play. Basketball. For. You? That. Is. Unethical,” he said. Thanks to Roe-Bot, every player must solve a reCAPTCHA test before each game. X324 said in reaction to this new rule, “That. Is. Stupid. I. Will. Not. Be. Able. To. Play. If. I. Have. To. Think. About. Streetlights.” However, after explaining that a reCAPTCHA, as opposed to a CAPTCHA, is only the box that says ‘I am not a robot’ and not clicking on fire hydrants, X324 breathed a sigh of relief. Metaphorically, of course. He doesn’t have a mouth, as he is made of metal.
An Imaginary Candidate
As many may not have seen, my imaginary friend Toby recently announced that he is running for president as an independent candidate in 2024. Toby has never been seen and neglects to attend debates, even when he has a reserved podium. When Toby was asked his opinions, he responded, “…” Climate change activist Watam Ido-In ’25 said, “Who’s Toby? He’s running for president? Oh. I’ve never actually heard of him.” Toby responded by saying, “…” Wow, Toby certainly has a lot to say about that. Toby’s polling results have risen dramatically from 0% to 0.000000006% after I convinced my grandmother to vote for him instead of herself. However, unfortunately for Toby, he has been caught up in some allegations. According to public opinion, Toby does not pay any taxes. He remains uncaught by the IRS, likely because they cannot find him. When asked about his personal biggest issue, Toby said, “…” When many voters learned about Toby, they claimed he was a second choice to their candidate because they thought a politician on the opposite side of the political spectrum was worse. However, Toby’s polling results in Iowa remain at virtually 0%.
Parking Survival Tactics
Especially with construction, getting out of the parking lots after school has many difficulties. If you aren’t in your car within five seconds after the bell rings, you aren’t going to make it out of the lot before the sun sets. Here are eight tips to get out ASAP!
- Carpool! Carpooling means fewer people are on the road, so there is less traffic. It’ll also be fun to ride in a car with others.
- Park close to the school. It can help you easily get into your car fast and beat everyone else to the exit.
- The power of distraction is underrated. Play music as loud as your car allows with the windows down. The other cars won’t want to be anywhere near you, so you can easily pull in front of people! Bonus points if it’s loud enough that you can’t hear other cars honk.
- Multiple people in your car give you many more options. Have your buddy hop out of the car and stand in front of other vehicles to let you through. As they say, teamwork makes the dream work!
- Aren’t brave enough to sabotage other cars right in front of their drivers? Simply drive over the grass! No one else is on the grass, so you only have to worry about the trees. Your car has a four-wheel drive for a reason. Use it!
- Those pesky buses are always in front of you, holding up the line. Give them a little tap to show you can’t be pushed around. You mean business. Do the same to the other cars near you. Get some respect for your name.
- Remember to always have a screwdriver in your car to pop tires. Use this classic one-liner, “If you cut my car off, I’ll cut your tires open!”
- Keep a positive attitude! Breaking laws is way less fun when you get all mopey about it. Did you know that just smiling can decrease anxiety about whether the cops will find you or not? Keep that big ’ole grin on your face!
