The Radish: April Fools

The contents of this page are entirely satirical. This story should not be taken seriously, as it bears faint resemblance to reality. Unless…


Camille Gretter

The Radish is a completely satirical series about West High events.

In the early morning hours of Friday, April 1, the West High temporaries were reported missing. The sole witness, Pranck Stir ’22, was taking a stroll at 3:30 AM when he noticed the disappearance. “I was just walking around, contemplating what my epic April Fools prank should be ,” said Stir.“When I came across the temporaries… I mean, the lack thereof, obviously.” 

Stir made a thorough inspection of the area to ensure the perpetrators weren’t still at large. “I checked to make sure no one was around. Thankfully, I was alone.”

Although Stir expresses disapproval, he isn’t overly affected by the event. “What can I say? They’re called temporaries for a reason.”  

Stir quickly realized how the classroom thieves could have carried out the heist. “If I were to steal some temporaries, I probably would’ve used the construction forklifts in the courtyard. Each one has a carrying capacity of about 6000 pounds, so it’s not too hard to lift one.”

As the police investigate the temporary disappearances, along with several other April Fools-related crimes reminiscent of the devious licks era, the teachers without rooms have had no choice but to cancel classes for the day. Stir, who had 4 classes in the temporaries, is now playing FIFA with his friends before his shift at his dad’s business, Stir’s Forklifting. 

However, at around 4:30 PM this afternoon, distance track runner Mike Redford ’23 found the temporaries in the West High front lawn while warming up. “Honestly, it’s not even the weirdest thing I’ve found out there,” said Redford. “I once found a 30-foot tall trojan horse made by some City High kids in the 70s.”

The authorities are advising the public to report anyone who looks like they are forklift certified. “Classic signs of certified fork lifters are: Being the coolest guy in the room and having massive muscles,” The police department said in a statement. “Do not attempt to apprehend a potential suspect, cuz he’ll probably know kung fu or karate or some other wicked martial arts stuff.”