The radish

The contents of this page are entirely satirical. These stories should not be taken seriously, as they bear faint resemblance to reality. Unless…


Sila Duran

This is SATIRE, so please do not write to the editor.

Maya Chu and Zoey Guo

Haunted Hallways

To celebrate Halloween, Principal Gross hosted an overnight lock-in event at West High for adventurous students to explore horrors hidden throughout the building. Actors from Theatre West and theatre advisor Katy Nahra hid throughout the building, dressed as monsters to scare unsuspecting high schoolers. 

“This was supposed to be a fun event that all students could participate in,” Gross said. “I didn’t see any dangers until something concerning actually took place.”

During the event, Nahra, dressed as a blood-sucking vampire, lunged at Scaire Deecat ’25 who then fell headfirst into a desk. The impact caused Deecat to faint and they were left unconscious on the cold, tiled ground. The classroom was already furnished with Halloween decor, so the student fit right in. 

“I left Scaire there because I thought they were acting with me,” Nahra said. “I was going to convince them to join Theatre West after the event because of their stunning performance.”

A startled custodian found Deecat the next morning and quickly took them to the nearest hospital. Thankfully, Deecat only suffered minor injuries, not including their severe concussion and fractured neck.

“Highkey, I thought the whole fiasco was pretty hilarious,” Deecat said. “Though, my parents didn’t feel the same way.”

Deecat’s parents filed a complaint and the school now faces a $69,420 lawsuit. Despite such charges, the lock-in event was considered an overall success by most students.

“I was pretty impressed with how real the whole thing felt,” a student witness said. “The actors were really giving it their all — and then I realized that not all of them were actors.”

Essays 4 All

As the stress of college application season reaches its climax, some students crumble under the pressure. Others thrive. One aspiring business major, Wally Street ’22, got a peek into the world of entrepreneurship through his underground college essay business called Essays 4 All. 

“My initial goal was to give everyone a shot at submitting high-quality essays. A few of my senior friends failed English 9 so I thought it’d be good to help edit their drafts,” Street said. 

Despite his noble intentions, Street’s newfound fame among the senior class only left him wanting more. He longed for more creative freedom with every mundane edit he made — soon enough, he found himself scrapping whole essays and rewriting them. One customer, Brie Tenshus ’22, thought it was strange at first but decided she could use the help. 

“Yale is, like, really tough to get into. If Wally wanted to write my essay for me, it didn’t make sense to stop him,” Tenshus said. 

Street was earning so much money that his first year of college tuition was almost covered. Driven by this success, he expanded his business and hired a programmer to help him design a website. Though the programmer, who has chosen to remain anonymous, was offered a hefty monetary incentive, they eventually caved in to the guilt and reported Street to Principal Gross in a 500-word email exposé. Although Street now faces charges of academic dishonesty, he believes this experience ultimately benefited him. He realized his potential as a businessman and no longer thinks college is a necessary next step.

“Who needs college? Clearly, I can be successful on my own. The Common App is stupid anyway.”