Like a freshly cut honeydew melon, the United States has been sliced on the rind, leaving our once burgeoning nation susceptible to the pests. These poor pests, instead of strengthening our nation’s cause, have caused great economic disarray, drug misuse, and violence––millions of Americans throughout the country give billions in taxes each year to support them while these pests supply gang members and drugs and steal jobs and resources. At this current rate, our nation will not remain the land of the free, but rather the land of the flea.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the vast amount of drugs these pests carry, or the amount of gang members they bring, and the amount of jobs they take, is currently a distressing cause of concern for our great country; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of exterminating or making these pests worthy citizens of our great country would deserve so well of the public as to have a Nobel Peace Prize awarded in his name for this incredible operation.

After many years of deliberation, I see only one solution to rid of these pests. Because of the growing divide between our fantastic nation and the other belligerent nations of the world, the people in our country, too, must be divided to accommodate the war efforts. To remain citizens of our country, I propose that these, or any suspected pests, must replace U.S. soldiers in a war effort for a minimum duration of five years. If we enact this policy, not only will our country be provided an outstanding source of prosperity through a replaced and more patriotic population, but also our beloved nation will mitigate the undesirable effects of the vexatious pests.

The number of pests devouring our nation’s beloved juices being reckoned nine million, of these I calculate there may be around six million strong enough to be deployed; from which number I subtract four million pests who are not willing to fight for our beloved nation, although I must remind there are 700 thousand pests who find habitation on our great surface each year; and there will remain at least two million pests to deploy and seven million to swat back to their odorful origins. I then replace these figures with U.S. militants on the battlefield and notice a like for like substitute in the form of the pests. If we do not enact my solution now, the nine million pests will continue to drain our nutrients; according to my calculations, by the year 2040, their numbers will grow faster than our numbers recede. The question in that instance is, how shall this number be controlled, which, as I have already said, under the present circumstances, is utterly impossible by all methods proposed. One solution remains then, and that is to replace rather than to overpopulate.

A very worthy and plump fellow, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, a certain William Howard Taft, was recently pleased in expatiating on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said to achieve this operation would require a constitutional amendment; however, as previously mentioned, according to my calculations, by the year 2040, these pests will infiltrate our nation faster than we can handle; therefore, according to a rather towering fellow, Abraham Lincoln, it is justifiable to dispose of the pests from our sensational country because of our great nation’s desire to house none other than the free. Even then, not only will the solution be justifiable, but also agreeable and reasonable. It is then in my opinion that the advantages by the operation which I have made are obvious and plentiful.

First, as I have already acknowledged, the amount of treacherous fleas in our land is copious. By replacing these scourges with U.S. soldiers, we are rightfully instilling a sense of true patriotism back into our land while also testing the pests’ true intentions; we will exile the seven million useless fleas, we will rescue the two million useful men and we will definitively distinguish the pestilent from the innocent.

Secondly, our tax dollars will not go to waste as they are now; rather than funding the Great Rind of North America, we can dispose of the brutal bedbugs and patriotically advocate for our soldiers, who are, as I mentioned, much more deserving of such aid than any other dastardly pest.

Thirdly, our army will bulldoze any competition. Although we will dispose of the seven million malevolent pests, the other two million will prove to us of their value; current U.S. soldiers are fighting for their lives and the cause of our nation, whereas our supposed benevolent fleas must accomplish that on top of their requirement to show their faith to our great country in battle for a definite duration of a half decade. With this, our fleas will legitimately live up to their names; my proposal ensures that the fleas will tenaciously bug other nations to flee or acquiesce.

Fourthly, our constant feeders, besides the gain of the sense of patriotism and unity with a lower amount of pests and a higher amount of Americans in our nation by the disposal of the pests, will be rid of the potency of their pernicious infections for a minimum duration of five years.

Fifthly, this disposal would likewise bring jobs to the actual citizens in our country; these pests not only provide us with great ailments, but they also take the jobs from their very own feeders. We must not live in a kakistocracy any longer; instead, our meritorious citizens, who have for so long remained the innovative backbone of our society, should take this opportunity to induce change.

It is evident that my proposal does not pose any unwanted side effects, unless one wants to consider that the number of inhabitants, good or bad, in our great country will be of a smaller quantity. Because of their modest dividends, other proposals should not even be considered; measures such as deporting known fleas, enforcing stricter peregrination laws, and requiring proof of legal inhabitation to receive educations and jobs all limit the power of the fleas, but we should strive for more. We must be free of the flea, entirely. If we strengthen rind control, or worse yet, negotiate with the origins of these pests, we show signs of unpatriotic weakness in our very own ranks: We show to other nations our vulnerability. We must be the ones to not only exterminate the pests for the time being, but also to enact a legitimate policy that can put our land in a greater position for the future. Luckily, with my modest proposal, we can accomplish this and avoid those other futile and illegitimate schemes.

Despite all of this, I am open to any other suggestions by other politicians, assuming their proposals are found equally, if not more, conventional, simplistic, lawful, economical, and efficacious. And before another proposal comes to counter my proposition, I require that the author or authors consider two other points. First, with things in our country as they are, how will they find a mechanism to distinguish the good-hearted from the infected-hearted fleas. And secondly, how to more humanely and fairly create the very proposal that I have; I desire those politicians who disapprove my proposal that they can ask the very pests and see whether they see the civil nature of their very own proposals like the fleas will to mine.

It is clear to see that I have no bias in this matter other than to benefit my patriotic and fair country. After all, being a naturalized citizen myself in the middle of our nation and outside of the Selective Service age requirement, I do not sustain any relationships with these pests, nor am I currently affiliated with our military.

Disclaimer: This isn’t “modest” at all; this is a satire piece and is not meant to be perceived as factual. We can’t allow this type of racial discrimination to become the norm.